Title: Coping
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Dr. Horrible/Captain Hammer
Word Count: 1000 (10x100 word drabbles)
Summary: Dr. Horrible needs to hurt someone. Captain Hammer needs to be hurt.
Warnings: Dubious consent, dark themes, slash, smut, BDSM
A/N: This is for fanfic100 using prompt 039. Taste. This one's a bit weird in style  - alternating POVs, second-person narrative, not using their names (except in the titles for each drabble, and I'm not really happy with that but I thought it might get confusing otherwise) so feedback would be very much appreciated :)

 

Horrible
It’s not about affection. It’s not about love, or feelings, or longing. It’s about lust, and anger, and pain.

It’s about feeling something real, something physical, for the first time since you joined the ELE.

It’s about revenge, about making him feel as hopeless and helpless as you have for years. It’s about showing him you’re the strong one, the winner.

It’s about making him beg for it, making him do what you want, making him submit to you as he always should’ve.

It’s not about affection, and even when you finally let him come, you still never kiss him.

Hammer
You never kiss him. Kissing is what you do with women, it’s soft and gentle and beautiful.

There’s nothing beautiful about what you have with the doctor. Nothing soft or kind, instead it’s rough and fast and aggressive. Kissing doesn’t belong, it’s at odds with the pain and anger lashed out at you; pain and anger that you deserve.

You hate yourself for what you’ve done. You hate yourself for what you’re doing now, but you don’t want it to end.

It would be easy to blame it all on him, but he never forces you. He doesn’t have to.

Horrible
You don’t have to force him, but sometimes you wish you did. You want to make him beg and plead whilst you laugh and rip his world apart, just as he did to you.

Instead, you settle for making him feel cheap and used, just like he made countless women feel, just like he made Penny feel.

You curse at him and call him a whore, tell him he’s only fit to be used by you. You love seeing how your words turn him on, how ashamed that makes him.

You take what you desire, and he always lets you.

Hammer
He takes what he desires from you, and you always let him. You aren’t sure you could stop him, anyway, even if you wanted too.

Sometimes he ties you up, and hisses in your ear that no one can save you from him. You don’t want to be saved from him. You don’t deserve to be saved from him.

You know you’re no better than this, you’re dirty and cheap. You feel ashamed of what you’ve become. You feel ashamed of begging him to use you.

You beg him to, and he takes out his frustration, his anger, on you.

Horrible
You take out your frustration, your anger, on him. Ever since Penny died, your world has been a broken mess, and now you’re obsessed with breaking the rest of the world in revenge.

It’s not enough. You hurt him more and more and it’s never enough. You push him to greater and greater extremes and it’s still never enough. He lets you do it – he wants you to do it.

You want to break him. You want to make him feel so much pain he can’t bear it, and every time you fail yet again, you feel like you’re falling.

Hammer
You feel like you’re falling, like both of you are falling, dragging each other further and further down. You know it can’t end well, but you can’t let it end, so you hold him tight and let him pull you down into the darkness.

You thought the pain would help, that if you got what you deserved, you’d be able to get over what you did, get over your failure.

Instead, you’ve got worse. Your guilt still festers beneath your skin, and all the insults and taunts, the violence and the sex, never block it out.

Nothing blocks it out.

Horrible
Nothing blocks it out. You only feel pain.

You try to fight it. You make him kneel in front of you and suck you off, your fingers twisted into his hair, tugging him forwards. You order him on to all fours and fuck him roughly, quickly; your hands tightening on his hips as you come and for a brief second the pain is eclipsed.

You’re addicted to forgetting. You get more aggressive and violent with him because it turns you on, because it elongates that moment of oblivion.

You re-enact every dirty fantasy you’ve had, but you won’t kiss him.

Hammer
He won’t kiss you. Instead he bites and sucks and runs his tongue across your skin, moving down your throat, sending a shiver down your spine.

His hands are trailing lazily across your chest, moving slowly but surely downwards, tracing patterns over your stomach and down to your waist.

You gasp as he brushes his hand against your cock, and he looks up and meets your gaze, eyes blank and unfeeling.

He tells you to beg him, and you do.

You always do.

You know that you are both speeding towards self-destruction.

You wonder when it will all fall apart.

Horrible
It all falls apart a year after Penny’s death.

You’ve never been much of a drinker – it destroys far too many brain cells for your liking – but the agony is worse than normal, and even fantasising about what you’ll do to him later doesn’t lessen the pain.

You find a bar, with half of your share of last week’s heist stuffed in your wallet, and start knocking back neat whiskey. It burns your throat, but numbs the ache in your heart.

At midnight, you eventually leave and stagger along the dark streets to where he’s waiting for you as usual.

Hammer
You're waiting for him as usual – naked, like he tells you to be.

When he stumbles into your apartment, you realise he's drunk. His eyes are bloodshot and you can smell the alcohol on his breath.

For the first time, he's not in control.

You think you could take advantage of the situation.  You could make him feel powerless.

You don’t. For the first time, he’s already in pain.

You could use him, but you don't. It's not what he needs.

For the first time, your touch is gentle.

You lean forwards, and for the first time, you kiss him.