Fic: Guy Stuff

[vettysazzy]

Title: Guy Stuff
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Captain Hammer, Billy (mentioned Billy/Captain Hammer/Penny)
Word Count: 230
Summary: Next time they needed 'supplies', Captain Hammer vowed to go alone.
Warnings: A bit cracky.
A/N: This is forfanfic100 for the prompt 096. Writer's Choice: Shopping. Thanks tojamie55 for supplying me with the plot bunny, and to kproflostsouls for helping me with the two banes of my life: the title and the summary xD

 

 

“Billy, what’s taking so long?” Captain Hammer grumbled as he walked over. Billy was standing in front of the display of condoms, blinking rapidly, blushing furiously and looking terrified.

“I don’t know which ones to get,” he hissed, looking nervously around the store.

Captain Hammer sighed. “Any. Get those ones.”

“But those are just regular!”

“So?”

“Well, these ones are ‘ribbed for her pleasure’... Should we get them instead?”

“Fine.”

“But these ones will ‘make her tingle’!” Billy’s voice dropped to a whisper. “What if Penny doesn’t, you know, enjoy it? Because we don’t... tingle her?”

“What? She always sounds like she’s having fun.”

“Yeah but...” Billy glanced around again, and glared at an old woman three aisles away until she left the store. “But,” he continued, his voice even quieter than before, “Don’t women sometimes, you know... pretend?”

“Maybe with you,” Captain Hammer grunted, but he looked worried.

“And then there are these ripple-y ones...”

“Fine, if it makes you feel better we’ll get them all. Grab some of those extra-sensitive ones too... yeah, and the extended pleasure ones.”

Billy handed them to Captain Hammer. “I’m not buying them.”

“Why not?”

“Because the cashier will know I’m going to have sex.”

Captain Hammer rolled his eyes. “You are such a wuss.”

“I’ll meet you outside.”

Captain Hammer sighed. Next time they needed supplies, he was going to go alone.